Okay so you get the gist of the picture, right? Couple running, caution sign. This is only because I could not find a sign that said, “Caution cute running couple, there’s a meteor the size of Jupiter about to land on you.” I think this is where many of my relationships were headed many days, too.
Without doubt, the most common question I answer goes something like this: “How do I change my ____?” You can fill in the blank with husband, wife, children, co-workers, etc…. Okay, you get it.
The second most common thing I hear is, “I am unhappy.” I then ask why. They proceed to tell me it is someone else’s fault.
Again, I say, “Young grasshopper, that ain’t the way it works, either.”
The way the question is asked is the number one symptom (clue) of self-denial. The way the subject of unhappiness is raised is a sign that we’ve given our power and our ability to be happy to someone else.
When we are waiting for someone or something to change so that we can be happy means we are lost. Big time lost. Self-denial means I feel powerless—which is the number one reason we divorce or abandon relationships. AND IT’S AN ILLUSION. We are not powerless.
The big gift of the universe to each of us is that we get to choose exactly who and what we are going to be to this world. It is the free will thing.
We can’t change other people, at least not in the context in which the question is posed. However, there is a posture called Zero State that, when mastered, transforms us. By transform, I simply mean it returns us to our authentic state—we heal, and we will feel as if we’ve changed into different people. We become comfortable in our skin, powerful, then blissful.
It is only through our own personal transformation that we can heal our relationships—transforming others. I have experienced real personal magic here. I hope a trained scientist using the word magic makes you pause a moment. Yet many scientists, including Einstein, have alluded to magic in the pursuit of truth and happiness.
The reality exists that people may not choose to heal with you. The assurance I can give is that as we heal, it won’t matter what other people do. You will love them regardless. They may need time away from your relationship, and it won’t matter.
When we are not in our normal state—Zero, which is also an ascended state where we feel very powerful—we will chronically have relationship issues.
We experience real trouble when it comes to feeling safe and communicating with others. Medications, pains, and lots of stories. In essence, wherever people are found, we will have trouble.
Many times when I ask people to reframe the question, they will tell me, “I feel very uncomfortable with my _______.” Husband, children, coworkers… Really uncomfortable. They want out. They hate their lives.
THEN, the final truth. They feel trapped in their relationships. They can’t/won’t leave because they feel powerless and they love the people in their lives. They have a wicked dichotomy going on.
I think this is how most relationships in the universe feel at times. STICKY, HEAVY, SMELLY GLUE . We are trapped and want to flee, and we also want to be there.
Then it goes to our heads and we start making stuff up about one another. Telling truths with some hyperbole about each other. Character assassination. Zingers. And more stuck. All from “I am very uncomfortable” when I am near you.
Intimacy is tough because we want to be with people—except for the fact that they are witnesses of our personal deceptions (the ones we want to keep buried). For example, I can tell myself and the world I’m on a diet, but my husband knows exactly what I ate last night—even when I’m trying to lie to myself. It’s hard to keep any self-denial going when people are around!
TRUE STORY. I once consulted a bodybuilder/nutritionist with the waist size of a 14-year-old girl and muscles you could crack walnuts on to help me get a Body for Life. Remember that era? What two dollars a minute bought me was huge trauma. I went in once a week so he could caliper my fat (worst thing ever) and tell me what to eat and when to exercise. He told me to keep a food diary.
Well, you already know what happened…
I went back week after week with no food diary, lots of excuses, and very few results. I wanted to change, but I couldn’t. Literally could not do what he told me to do. The cycles of really wanting it and then hating myself for not being able to get through one day of “clean-eating” was awful.
It got so uncomfortable between us because I knew he knew I was a big fraud. And I was. I could not, would not do the work. My mind really wanted to be healthy, but my body was literally frozen . I truly did not know what was wrong with me, so I blamed him—and still told everyone he was the greatest. It was crazy.
It was another expensive, dramatic cycle of active self-denial. Most spiritual folks use the word unconscious to describe the human condition that has not yet enlightened. I use the term active self-denial, because everyone who enlightens has the realization that they are the only ones holding themselves back—actively, painfully.
Who you are is so effortless, and your path so easy, that the only “work” you ever do is self-denial—resisting the path to your destiny. It’s like holding a large beach ball under rolling waves all day and night, every day and night. This is why you’re so busy and so exhausted.
Consider this: just like your body tells you you’re hungry before your muscles catabolize, you are given the wisdom before things happen to keep you alive, thriving, and on your path. You are designed to know before you do—and know everything.
You live in a benevolent universe. Unlike hunger, knowing is more than an urge or a feeling. It is simply information that appears effortlessly in your mind when you need it. It’s like having turn-by-turn navigation in your head. If you are in self-denial, you will need to keep your head and life very full to not know.
I experience and define transcendence as the ability to get above the stories of powerlessness (transcend them). This is the road to Zero State, the ascended state and our normal state. In our normal state we know before we do something. For many reasons, we shut this ability down in our minds.
The chronic need for someone in your world to “change” is pushing on something in yourself that you need to address, and they are getting too close to it. So we learn major coping skills to keep people we love near us, but alienated, so they don’t get too close. We do this as avoidance, so that we never have to do our thing, because along the way we decided it was not safe to allow it. Yet we can get it back when we practice.
We find ourselves again when we have the courage to stop our thoughts and our reactivity to them. Behind these thoughts exists universal understanding that we’ve blocked. This is why it is so hard to soften into them. We’ve decided to hide this stuff for a reason.
So this week’s transcendence assignment (when you are ready) is to practice reframing all of your thoughts to this one thought when you are upset, uncomfortable, lonely, etc…
The meditation is: I am uncomfortable. Then take a deep breath. (Do nothing, change everything.)
Your every fiber will want to blame, shame, eat, or cope somehow. If you choose that, then your next step is exactly the same: I’m uncomfortable, breathe.
Every time you notice yourself blaming the world, then going back to self-hate, coping, eating, drinking—the answer is the same. I’m uncomfortable, then a big breath. And again.
This practice will break the “I’m uncomfortable” reactive behavior in your world. You will begin hearing yourself again, too. When you can hear again the body will relax as well. This is all you’ve ever wanted.
And, it is a practice. I have spent as little as two months completely transforming people’s worlds with this, and as long as ten years. Truthfully, it’s about you being ready to change and practice. We can change our mind/body in a breath. It’s the metaphor of every breath we take. I take in the world, it transforms me, and I release the past, I’m anew.
Know this! I’m here breathing, too. It’s a choice to be conscious and heal.
Thank you for supporting the blog! Namaste, Dana