Oh yeah, that’s right. I recently assured you that you are a genius. You are here to do something that no one else can do. It will be the only thing you want to do and it is linked to your spiritual and material abundance. These are not simply huge promises.
These are the rules of a universe that is more benevolent than most people (including myself for many years) can imagine or have simply just forgotten. To master this game, we must submit to its rules.
If you are not sensing this kind of abundance, material or otherwise, there is only one reason. You are intentionally blocking your “purpose” purposefully, to protect your relationships, because you perceive this to be a benevolent act. “My mother doesn’t want me to be an artist….” This kind of stuff.
This is beautiful and also misguided. You also realize that even though you are working on them, some of your relationships aren’t going that well anyway.
When you are not doing what you came here to do, you cannot have healthy relationships. Here’s why.
You will ultimately deeply resent the people with whom you share your life because you gave up “you” for “them.” We believe that it’s a trade-off—to be real and alone, or unreal and have the safety and security of a family.
This is the big lose-lose in life because if you think this way, none of your relationships will be real. We will live this way until our relationships ultimately erode as we adopt postures in order to cope with not being ourselves.
Our relationships become exercises in resentment, anger, and frustration, which leads to chaos, pain, and destruction.
How do we begin to figure out how to heal and proceed to our authentic self and purpose? The great news is that subconsciously, this is all you are ever trying to do.
I have created an emotional road map to help you figure out what your posture toward the others in your life is saying about you. It may also help you begin to find answers about your purpose.
Below are the seven major relationship postures. I will discuss this emotional roadmap in detail in my book and in the blog in the coming weeks. Stay tuned!
I have listed these postures as rungs on a ladder. The first is the highest posture we can have with another and the last is the most harmful posture we can have in a relationship. As with a ladder, every step is important.
We may have glimpsed some of the higher postures and they might reveal themselves at times, but until we master the lower postures, we will not be able to stay conscious(the higher postures where we discover authentic self) for very long.
- Oneness – Pure connection to the universe and others. Of course, this is the goal for all of our relationships. We feel knowing and bliss in this posture. Regardless of who is in front of you, you feel love and complete understanding of their world. This is the state where we are completely free of fear. We live a different existence in this state. We effortlessly perceive profound beauty, clarity, and abundance.
- Zero – Perfect balance, the door to the universe. All of the wonderful feelings come alive in this state. There is very little difference between the zero state and unity with the universe. We sense divine understanding in our relationships with others. We also understand our purpose in the world and are given detailed instructions. We realize the spiritual role each unique relationship plays. We sense the power of resolve. This is the state in which we are being guided to every moment. When you want or expect something to happen in your life and nothing happens, know that this “nothing” (zero) is the clue. The zero posture leads to oneness.
- Compassion – Compassion is the universal feeling of altruism for others. It is not a thought, but an ascended mind/body state. To master the compassionate posture in your relationships, you must find complete balance both in the relationship and within yourself. Compassion toward others is the practice of complete alignment with their state, and also being the perfect complement to their state of being. This is trickier than the lesser state of “empathy” because in “compassion,” we must master spiritual disagreement with pain. For example, a compassionate spiritual teacher brings equal parts understanding and wisdom to their students’ suffering as well as another equal part of disagreement with that suffering. No one wants a spiritual teacher, doctor, or any kind of healer who ultimately agrees that your condition cannot be healed. A compassionate posture is a posture that says to the person in your life—whatever their condition—yes, you’re having a terrible moment and you are in a terrible state and at the same time, get up! When this balance is found, we will feel the magic in the relationship. Compassion is profoundly neutral and honors neither the victimhood nor villainhood found in the lesser postures. Compassion leads all people to profound self-healing and purpose. The practice of compassion toward self and others leads to a zero state.
- Empathy – Empathy is the posture of complete alignment with another person’s pain. Empathy is “me too.” I can relate to your feelings and I may have been through what you are going through. Your empathy toward another person is actually you witnessing and learning how to address the unresolved issues in yourself of which you may or may not yet be aware. Our ability to be empathetic in our relationships leads us to the more balanced state of compassion, because we learn the most powerful thing of all in empathy. When we witness the world through empathy, we see how people choose to suffer. Empathy is important, yet dangerous because when we validate peoples’ suffering without the “you can do this—get up” part, we feed the pain of victimhood. In other words, people learn that the victim state works. As a victim, they find the attention and love that they can’t get any other way. As we master empathy, which is really true alignment with peoples’ suffering, we then discover compassion. I completely understand total alignment. I also completely disagree with your victim/villain story. GET UP. Which is, of course, the big up. The practice of empathy leads to compassion.
- Sympathy – I see there is a problem with you, but it has nothing to do with me. I cannot align with your pain. Sympathy is a sign of spiritual awakening because we become aware of other peoples’ suffering, from which we are protected by anger and other spiritual blocks. We learn that sometimes pain is purposeful, but we are not aware of our own pain. As we notice the pain of others, we will gradually learn how to align with their suffering. The practice of sympathy leads to empathy.
- Anger – and its violent and nonviolent variations: rage, contempt, judgement, aggression, and passive aggression. I choose self-denial near you because I don’t trust you. You very likely see something in me that I am not ready to know about myself. Anger is usually manifested in relationships that are somewhat intimate. We will spend a great deal of time on this topic because it’s where most people are stuck in some of their relationships. Anger is only slightly higher than true self-denial because it is emotional awareness aimed to destroy a relationship. Anger means that the body is not suppressing the pain, but allowing it to be voiced harmfully. This state is one of profound powerlessness and chaos. You will perceive the universe to be harsh, because you are highly destructive and your karma is mirrored to you. When you are in enough pain, you will become aware of others’ pain. Anger leads to sympathy.
- Self-denial –The bottom rung of the ladder. Typically, individuals in self-denial are unable to diagnose themselves because complete self-denial is sneaky. My mind says, “I am happy, my life is perfect”, but the rest of my life don’t suggest any of that. I am not aware of my impact on others in my relationships. I am often sick or experience chronic pain. I may have extreme physical habits such as eating, drinking, smoking, or exercising to numb my feelings. I have very few relationships and don’t feel connected to anyone or I have a ton of relationships and still don’t feel connected to anyone. I rarely feel emotions near people or alone. I feel as if my world is out of my control and I cannot predict or manifest anything. I feel that things keep happening to me and that I do not have a purpose. At some point, people in self-denial become angry.
Okay! This is Dana’s hierarchy of connection with people and what it means about your own state of authenticity. We can diagnose ourselves by the way we feel at any given moment by simply understanding what each of these sensations and feelings tells us about our own state when we are near another person.
Study hard—there will be a test!
Seriously, I’ll be back next week to talk about the price of self-denial and why we all choose it.
Until then, SUBSCRIBE!! I will send excerpts from Benevolent Universe directly to your inbox!